Stop asking WHY and Start asking HOW!

Instead of me explaining why their behavior was wrong, I started asking them to explain to me why it was right. Why was it acceptable to yell at your charge nurse? Why was it acceptable to walk away when someone was speaking to you? But, they always had a WHY...(crazy reason or not). So I changed my why to HOW?? Please tell me how you yelling at your charge nurse aligns with our vision/value statements?

After years of trying to explain to so many toxic employees why their behavior was unacceptable I came up with a new plan. Instead of me explaining why their behavior was wrong, I starting asking them to explain why it was right. Why was it acceptable to yell at your charge nurse. Why was it acceptable to walk away when someone was speaking to you. Why did you feel it was your place to tell your colleagues how to work around policies that are in place for patient safety? Why were you on social media and ignoring your patients? The problem with this approach is…They will have a WHY! Crazy as it is, disruptive as it is, illogical as it is, if you ask for a why, know that you will get one.

That is why I changed my question to “tell me how.” Tell me how you yelling at your charge nurse aligns with our vision/value statements. Tell me how walking away and throwing your hands in the air aligns with our values/behavioral code. Tell me how being gone off the unit six times today is appropriate, tell me how surfing the web while your patients need care is acceptable, tell me how sending a rude email aligns, tell me how gossiping meets expectations, tell me how whatever crazy behavior you are exhibiting aligns with our organization’s values?

Make it really easy for your employee. Have a copy of your values. Have a copy of your behavioral code. And…have a highlighter! Tell your employee to take a few minutes and highlight where the behavior in question aligns with what the organization has documented as their values and behavioral expectations. But...Be prepared, DEFLECTION will occur. “I only did XXX because he said this/she did this.”

Acknowledge and thank her for this insight, but then refer her back to the assignment – which is for her to show you how her behavior aligned with the organizational expectations. That is only the First Step. Obviously your employee will not find how her disruptive behavior aligned because if it did, you would not be talking to her.

Step Two is to ask the employee to verbally tell you what behavior could have been exhibited that would have aligned to the values/behavioral statement and then ask your employee how she could have handled the situation better. You might have to help with suggestions on this one because sometimes, employees have been toxic for so long that knowing how to act appropriately is a little overwhelming and impossible to imagine. If the behavior was directed at others, encouraging an apology is an option. However, we are dealing with adult people. If it is so beyond the capability of the employee at this point to own her own behavior and she is still convinced that the other person is responsible, apologizing for her uncivil behavior may not be possible.

Once you have reached agreement regarding appropriate, civil behaviors that are acceptable, Step Three is to ask the employee to write those behaviors out. In simple sentences, write out what behavior(s) moving forward will be exhibited so that when confronted with a similar situation, the employee knows what behaviors are acceptable. Have your employee sign the paper, then provide a copy to the employee, and thank her for meeting with you. This should NOT be considered a “write-up” or “occurrence” or whatever your organization calls formal documentation. If this is your first meeting this should be a coaching... what we as leaders should be doing daily for our team.

For many leaders, there is not much differentiation in coaching versus counseling. That is unfortunate. Coaching is a win for the employee, for the team, for the organization, and for you. Don’t think this is a soft approach and that coaching continues through eternity. Coaching is setting expectations and helping your team clearly understand behavioral guidelines and what behaviors you will be holding your team accountable for. It should be a positive.

However, when repeated coaching fails and it is obvious your employee is unconcerned with owning her behavior, that is where counseling and progressive discipline should begin. It is at that point, your employee, faced with the choice to align or have consequences that may result in being unemployed, must choose her own destiny.

And don’t forget Step Four which is to circle back if there were other employees involved and address those disruptive behaviors too. Consistent leadership is our only hope of ending incivility! #yourteamdeservesit #yourpatientsdeserveit #yourdeserveit #EndIT #endinciviltytoday!